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The book you wish your parents had read book pdf download

• Book Name: The book you wish your parents had read
• Authors:  Philippa perry 
• Pages: 240
• Publish Date: 7 March 2019
• Language: English
  
• Genre: Self-help book

Summary:

The book you wish your parents had read by psychotherapist Philippa perry  this book is for parents in all stages of parenthood from pregnancy to being a parent to babies toddlers teenagers and even adult kids

Although this is technically a parenting book it will help you improve your other relationships too 

So in that sense even if you're not a parent you will benefit from this book written by psychotherapist Philippa perry 

This book has easy to understand language i love that all concepts are explained with real-life examples and scenarios which helps to make theoretical concepts practically applicable 

I love that philippa's approach is very non-judgmental she says that all parents make mistakes she has shared some of her own parenting mistakes but mistakes can be repaired 

She talks about the concept of rupture and repair, she says ruptures are those times when we misunderstand each other where we make wrong assumptions where we hurt 

Someone ruptures are inevitable in every important intimate and familial relationship it is not the rupture that is important it is the repair that matters the way to make repairs in relationships is firstly by working to change your responses that is to recognize your triggers and use that knowledge to react in a different way 

Or if your child is old enough to understand you can use words and apologize even if you only realize that you acted wrongly towards your child many moons after it happened you can still tell them where you got it wrong 

It can mean a tremendous amount to a child even an adult child when a parent makes a repair 

Reading this book i felt like i was guided by someone very warm wise knowledgeable and experienced 

During a couple of weeks, it took me to read this book I tried to apply the concepts while talking to my kids and responding to their problems 

And I noticed that applying these principles worked way better than my default responses 

I felt good with the new way I was responding and so did my kids it was almost a little magical I will definitely be reading this book again 

My biggest takeaway from this book is the importance of validating our children's feelings it's a total game-changer 

As parents we want our kids to be happy but we cannot expect them to be happy all the time when they are angry or sad or frustrated instead of trying to minimize their feelings or distract them or push them away we need to empathize with them and validate their feelings 

Feelings are never right or wrong they're just feelings to you something might feel like it's too small to be upset over but to your child, it's a huge deal so we need to look at things from their perspective 

For example and this example is from the book in the case of a little girl named nova who was going to ride in the car with her cousins 

This is what happened one of her cousins unknowingly sat in nova's usual seat nova started to cry her dad would normally say something like don't make a fuss just sit somewhere else or maybe ask her cousin to move 

I would have done something very similar myself but what he did was crouched down low so he was on the same level as nova and softly and gently said to her 

It's really hard for you to see max in your seat you really want to sit there don't you nova's crying subsided a bit and she looked at her dad he really felt for her and she saw it in his face 

He told her she'd be able to sit there next time telling nova off and persuading her in the past had just been making her more stubborn when she saw that her dad really did feel sorry for her she no longer needed to keep clinging to her point 

Her dad validated her feelings and validating the feelings of kids doesn't mean that they get what they want every time in this example nova did not get to sit in her seat but she felt understood and that was enough to calm her down 

One of the hardest times to acknowledge your child's feelings is when you feel differently 

For example, maybe your seven-year-old child sighs deeply and says we never go out you may feel like countering but we went to legoland just last week or we go out all the time 

You may feel angry that the effort and expense of taking your child to a theme park seems to have gone unappreciated 

Denying your child's feelings can start to alienate this person with whom you want a loving lifelong relationship 

This person whose happiness you really care about changing your reaction might feel counter-intuitive 

But all of us feel better when our experience is acknowledged and not argued with and children are no exception 

Realize that your child is only telling you what they feel and use this as an opportunity to connect with them to talk about their feelings rather than push them away 

Denying unhappiness does not make it go away it just digs it in a layer deeper 

Let's go back to our example and see how we can validate the feelings of the child who says we never go out 

Child, we never go out adult you sound bored and fed up child yeah we've been indoors all-day 

Adult that's true we have what would you like to do child I'd like to go back to Legoland again 

Adult that was fun wasn't it child yeah 

The child is more likely to feel satisfied with this conversation and it's less likely to escalate into an argument your child isn't stupid they know they can't be in legoland every day 

But they need their parent to know they want to be with them and to feel this with them it's about soothing their feelings as they learn the unpleasant lesson 

That life does not always go their way this is true for everyone child or adult 

When we feel bad we don't need to be fixed we want to be felt with rather than dealt with we want someone else to understand how we feel so we don't feel lonely with that feeling 

Even when a child can talk they may not be able to articulate a feeling as well as you can which is why in this example the child describes how they feel as we never go out 

Rather than the reality of I feel restless cooped up and at a loss to know what to do with myself 

Notice again that validating the child's feelings did not mean that the parent took them to Legoland that day 

Validating our children's feelings calms them down stops their tantrums and strengthens the bond between us and them 

And this also applies to teenage children adult children as well as the other relationships in our lives there's a passage from this book that i have to read out to you 

Philippa says I often see parents thinking they can treat children like things to be efficient about to deal with and fix 

It's usually because the parent is busy life is busy and this is how the parent has learned from their own parents to deal with children 

It is a dominant old-fashioned ideology that promises you can slot parenting easily into your busy life 

But too often there is a price if you don't treat your child as a person if you have dealt with them rather than felt with them 

You might find when that child becomes a teenager or an adult and you want to have a conversation with them they are not very forthcoming with you 

So my first big takeaway was around validating the feelings of your child 

My second biggest takeaway is around setting rules and boundaries with your children 

Philippa says when parenting a teenager remember what it was like to be a teenager yourself straining at the restrictions your parents put in place to try to stop their fears from coming true 

Adolescents do need to keep some things private they need this privacy in order to forge their separate identities 

Teenagers may also lie or lie by a mission to create space for themselves it isn't that they are necessarily up to something tremendously bad

They're up to something that they may want to keep for themselves or in their friendship group because they are separating from the tribe of family and parents and forming their own new tribe.

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